Letters To Old Friends

Some letters to old friends of mine…

 

Dear Free Time,

I hope you’re doing well, I know it’s been a while since we’ve had a chance to get together. I wanted to start off by thanking you for not minding when I’d take all those naps and totally skip out on you, but seriously, you had a bigger influence on me than you’d think!

Although I know we definitely had some great times watching television together and goofing off, I’ve now realized that you got me in more trouble than anything else. I know that hindsight is 20/20 and I think that looking back I can now see that we probably just had a little bit too much of each other.

But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t still hang out! Let’s plan a day to chillax together! (maybe a Saturday??)

 

Dear Extra Money,

GOSH! It’s been so long! I hope you’re doing well, I really miss you man….

It’s been at least two, three years? Anyway, I know you’re probably super busy with your friends Don Trump and Billy Gates (especially Bill since he’s technically retired now!), so I’ll make this short.

I just wanted to thank you for the good times we had. I know we never really got to be together as much as we wished we could, but hey that’s life!

And although we never really had any really ‘deep’ moments or really got quality one-on-one time together, you always knew where to find classiest restaurants in town, and I truly appreciate that!

 

p.s. I know I only met your friend Ben that one time, but tell him I listened to the song that Puff Daddy wrote about him, and he was totally right – It’s off the chain!

 

Dear Funny Jokes I Used to Tell,

I’ll never understand why you ditched me in the first place. You’re a jerk.

I hope that you come crawling back to me one day, and then maybe, just MAYBE I’ll be glad to see you.

 

Dear Sinful Ways,

I saved you for last because you’re the one old friend of mine that I really wouldn’t ever want to see face to face again….so a letter seemed most practical.

You were always one of those mutual friends of mine that I never really liked, yet somehow, over time, you crept into my life. I don’t know how you did it…but that doesn’t really matter at this point, because you won’t ever do it again.

For all the false promises you ever made me and for all the rewards you promised me, you did nothing but spit in my face time and time again. Like an idiot, I would always end up coming back to you; I guess I just didn’t know any better.

Well, I know better now. I’ve made some new friends…all through another mutual friend of mine. You may have heard of him before, his name is Jesus.

I met him a long time ago when I was a kid, but through all the chaos of my life and due to all the time I spent with you, I lost touch with him over the years.

It turns out he’s been trying to get up with me ever since we lost touch; I just wasn’t paying enough attention…

Anyway, ever since we started hanging out again, things have been completely the opposite of how they were with you and me. He actually does do everything that he promises, and he actually does always have my back. He’s never once lied to me and I know that I can trust him with anything, especially my life.

I hope that after reading this letter you can understand why I never want to hear, see, or even think about you ever again. Don’t take this letter as my way of trying to get back up with you…

It’s over.

 

Sincerely,

 

Kyle Lawrence Runner III esq